Birthday Renewal

So, I am going to be pretty candid that the past 6 months have been rough ones for me.  In the past I have laughed and yes, even mocked others who were so concerned about getting older.  I laughed at the "real housewives" who seemed obsessed about botox and lifts and other things.  I never understood why age was so painful to some.  Until about 6 months ago.  If you are one of the 4 people that read my blog, then you will know I had a post baby crisis.  I do believe that is when I also realized I was getting old, well older. 

I have no longer laughed at the thought of plastic surgery and yes I have a top 5 things I would like to have cosmetically changed.  Gravity and three kids has taken a toll.  Just being honest. But I think the hardest part was mentally and emotionally realizing that even though I felt somewhere between 21-25, I was really 10+ years older than that.  YIKES!  That means to the college kids I know, I am old.   And it just hit me a couple months before my 34th birthday. 
I started to wonder what happened.  Where were the 10+ years between how I mentally feel and where I actually am?.  What happened to my body, my life, me.  Was I losing myself in everything.  Should I have stayed working and become more involved in policy and evaluation, should we have taken more vacations before kids, should I have done something super "important" that gained national recognition, have I made the right choices for my family, etc.  Those questions you ask yourself late at night when no one is listening but God.

Basically you can say that God and I have been wrestling, talking, yelling, ignoring.  Let's face it, I have really done all those things, He has just been there to take it all.  I have been upset, I mean really upset and tired.  I first complained about things I disliked in my own life, then I yelled about the hurts of people.  I yelled about the fact I have friends who are facing things in their lives that I would not wish on my worst enemy and they were "good" people.  That they never deserved these situations and grief.  I have been upset that I have felt stuck, not really "doing" something that I think has a real impact, I have faced shame,  and I have been on empty.  I felt like in the past 6 months I was just crabby, tired, spent and no one was meeting my needs, not even my God.

So recently I just said I will wait.  I told God I would do what I had to do as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc.  But I was just going to have to wait on him for some kind of renewal or confirmation or (as silly as this sounds) a sign, that I was going to make it, that it was good and He still had control no matter what happened and that I would once again not feel so empty. 

He ended my waiting game on my 34th birthday in a shocking and surprising way.  I say that because Jeff and the kids were out of town in Phx for my birthday and I was scheduled to work all day at church.  I would be doing the nursery job for the morning and then setting up and helping to host the baby dedication for 18 families with their 200+ guests that afternoon/evening.  So when I got up in the morning, I was not feeling that this would be a day of renewal.  In fact, I believed I was actually sacrificing and unselfishly giving up sleep, maybe a pedicure and a nice dinner, in order to work for others (yes I am prideful. . still working on that).

But I was wrong.  For the first time in months I was filled to the brim with joy.  I laughed and cried.  God had come through for me in a big way and it was through every stranger, friend, and family that I came in contact with yesterday, even my own.  And the fun part is that most of them had no clue that they were filling me.  I don't even know how to explain it other than sometimes when we think we are serving others we benefit much more than those we are serving. 

The dedication was awesome!  I was so excited for our families and that  they allowed us to share and be a part of something very special in their lives.  As I was standing in the back of the celebration at the end watching the families and their guests pray for their little ones and the parents, it was as though God whispered, "Now this, Krista, is what it is all about.  This is what makes a difference. This is just a glimpse of what I have in store for you".  I know that some of you who read this might not believe in God or feel this is silly.  And that is okay.  My God is big, He can handle it.  But I believe that there is no coincidence to the timing.  All the feelings of inadequacy, being tired, wondering the what ifs in life, being upset, empty,w as all replaced in and by something I thought I was doing for someone else, but in reality I received a renewal, and with perfect timing on my 34th birthday!

Oh and then I even got to go home and celebrate with my sweet husband and three kiddos with my favorite pizza and yes, even a gift!