Fear

So I have fear.  I hate to admit it, but I fear a lot of things, even weird things.  My current battle with fear involves this half marathon in 4 DAYS!!!  And yes that was me very much emphasizing the time I have left.   I have gone back to look at my other posts in March, April and May about my first half and I remember feeling similar about that one, but this one comes with new fears of course.

I remember my sister thinking I was crazy at the starting line in May because I thought I was going to throw up. I remember thinking there was this big cartoon arrow over  my head that all 60,000 people could see saying "Psst . . she is not a TRUE runner like the rest of you. . she is faking it!!".   Then I remember her pointing out a woman probably in her 60's wearing jean capri pants and saying,  "At least you know you will beat her!"  And instead of agreeing I thought she would probably kick my @&$ in her stupid jean capri pants.

I also have had to coach my sweet husband on this whole half thing.  There are many amazing women runners that work with him, and are participating, but they are fast and run all the time.  I know they will beat me, but I have had to coach him on what not to say to me at the finish line.  For example, do not say "Good job!  I was worried about you because I saw Chris finish an hour ago!  I thought something happened to you."  Yes that is NOT what you want to say.  

I had forgotten how long 13 miles was until I did about 10 on Sunday.  Ummm yeah it is a long way.  Oh I know I will finish, but I still have these stupid fears.  My anxiety has been high all week.  I even did a run this morning and it was awful, which did not help my self talk.

When it comes to beating yourself up, I am the queen.  No one can make me feel worse than I do about myself.  So I have decided I really need to let it go.  If people think I am a non runner. . let them.  Because I am a run/walker. :)  If Jeff's colleagues think I am slow, at least I am moving!  And then I remembered this morning that this is just practice for January.  For when I run for Sam!  I run for Sam because I can, I will run because I can and there are so many people that cannot. 

So I am working on just going and enjoying my time, having great time with my husband, sleeping in, and completing a "little" run.    However, I do wish I had a sign that said to race officials and others,  "Yes I know it looks like I am going to die in the first 2 miles, but it takes me that long to get my stride." HAHA! And I realize that there are only few that will get that. . .and my hubby is not one.

I will let you know what happens when I return!!