Brave Face

So I wonder when we develop our "brave face". You know, the face that says we are going to grit our teeth and do our best to not cry or be upset. The face that says I am not happy, but I am going to try and make it look like I am totally fine, that I am cool as a cucumber, that "I can do this!"
For Lauren, I think her brave face was this week. And today it was VERY clear. She wants so much to be big. She wants Jeff and I to always know that she can do it all, from feeding her brother, to combing her hair, to picking out her clothes.

So, today was the last day I was going to take her to school before the big riding-of-the-bus day on Monday. I walked her in and encouraged her to play with the other kids on the playground. She said no and then asked when they were going to blow the whistle. That all so familiar sound that we all know means LINE UP!! And then I looked at her face when she spoke, it was her brave face. But I knew that I had to leave. I had to let her have the time to be okay with me not there, so I kissed her goodbye. I walked around the corner and she continued to hover around the wall waiting for that familiar sound that would let her know it was time to go in. I watched her for the longest 4 minutes EVER!!! I got teary as I looked at her. She continued to hold onto her "brave face". Then finally the whistle blew and she bounced into line, with a look of relief.

She did it. . . I am so very proud of her this week. Even though I tell her, I am not sure she will ever understand how proud I am. Maybe that will come when she has her own kids that put on their "brave faces".

First Day of Kinder from the Mommy's Perspective

So. . .today was the day. It was a day that over five years ago seemed light years away. But today was the day. Lauren went to afternoon Kindergarten with Mrs. Jones.

She begged me all morning to leave. And before I knew it, we were hurrying out the door with the boys in tow.

We got to school and it was fine. Super hot and humid, but she played on the playground until the whistle blew. And it was time to line up. It was a bit chaotic with all the parents hovering, waiting for their new adventure as well. But I quickly shuffled her to her line and daddy was taking pictures. When I turned around to get Sean and Colin who was stroller bound, her class was marching in and promptly listened to their new teacher asking them to take a seat on the carpet Then the door closed. All the parents looked at each other. No one was crying, it was more like shock. Was this all? Were they done? Five years of preparing for this moment and it was done. She was in, sitting and the instruction had already begun. Some parents, Jeff included were allowed in to take a quick snapshot of the first moments and drop off supplies, but that was it.

I walked away feeling like it was a bit anti climactic. It wasn't until I buckled both boys in and drove away that the sobbing began. And it was ruthless. I am still choking back tears as I write this post. Although she went to preschool for 3 years this experience is so very different. For preschool I signed her in and out. If she was crabby or we wanted to see grandparents in Phx for the day we didn't go to school. I knew a lot of the preschool teachers well and even a best friend of mine works there. I knew she was always looking out for Lauren.

Kinder is not like that. I feel as if I went to Target, looked around for a nice person and asked them to come home and take care of my child. A person off the street. Having worked at a school I never appreciated the gravity of the trust placed in me by parents. It is a big deal that parents entrust their children to teachers/staff/schools for hours at a time. Lauren is my heart, she is part of me and one of my greatest treasures. I wish I understood this better for all the years I was in the school system. I don't know her teacher, I don't know that someone is looking out for just her. There is a quote that having a child is allowing your heart to live outside your body. There has never been a quote so true to my heart than this one right now.

Once Lauren made it in the door at home she said that kindergarten was "SUPER FUN!" and as she closed her eyes to fall asleep she asked why she couldn't go to school right now. We are looking forward to a great year!

I am so excited for her adventures in school. I know that this journey will involve laughter, tears, frustration, and amazing growth. I know that God has phenomenal plans for her. Being the mommy is just hard. I want her to experience life, but I struggle with wanting to control it, I want to put her in a bubble to avoid the inevitable hurts that she will sustain. But in the long run I know this doesn't help her. I just need to be there, to love her, and to walk along side of her. The rest is up to her.

Colin's 1st Birthday!

Well this has been the fastest first year ever! :) Colin turned one on the 4th of July. We went to Nana and Papa's in Phx for swimming and fun and dinner with Grandma and Grandpa. We then had a little party for him at our home the next weekend. He has such a sweet spirit and is so good. We are blessed by him and it feels like yesterday he was born. Now he is standing up and trying to walk.

His big brother liked to help him open gifts.
We were actually able to take a family picture!!

He was out after his party.

Summer 2010

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We have had a great summer so far. Next week my big girl starts Kinder.. . .I am trying not to think about it, so I have posted some of our summer fun which includes a trip to Indy, before/after pictures of our floor remodel (but the after pics don't do the floor justice), the trip to Phx while the floors were being put in and tons of silliness. Hope this finds you well! Oh & for some reason these pics are not "initializing" so if you want to see them all just click where it says "click here to view these pictures larger".