I have thought a lot about women the past few days. And I am beginning to see sometimes why men say "women, ugh!" Now I will speak only for myself as I do not want to just say that all women are alike and I am sure what I am about it say is complete fiction in your world. But I need some work. Here are my thoughts.
I can be and have been on occasion a very mean and nasty woman. Yes I will admit to the fact that I have many times compared myself to other women and I have gone to other friends to gossip about other women. And I have decided I am mean and nasty. Not that any other woman reading this has done this, only me, I am sure.
We should be so nice to each other. We should compliment each other and look out for each other, but instead we say mean things or have nasty attitudes about others. For example, I see a beautiful, thin, fit woman with five kids and instead of saying how nice she looks, in my mind I wonder what is wrong with her. I secretly hope that she had a lot of work done. Or worse, I call my closest girlfriend to make assumptions about so-called-woman's attitude and how she must think she is "all that" and look for great validation from my friend about it. Seriously. . I have issues!!
I then thought about the Mary and Martha story from the bible. You know the one where Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus and spend time with Him and Martha ran around the house like a chicken with her head cut off cooking and cleaning for Jesus. Now the bible does not put it exactly that way, but I can only imagine. I also had these thoughts: I wonder if Mary and Martha then went to their best girlfriends or others and said "Can you believe what she did!?!?!" I can just hear the phrases in my mind, you know the ones: "she thought she was so much better than me!" or "I cannot believe she did that!" You may tell me that they did nothing of the sort but I don't believe you. :)
Or think about the movement that gave women the right to vote. All of these amazing women coming together to march and hold rallies for a single cause. However, I can also see the infighting about who got to type the memo, who led the rally or what so and so was wearing. Or theses statements: can you believe how that woman talked to my husband or she has really put on some weight since we did those sashes, it barely fits her. The comments probably went on and on.
WHY DO WE oh I mean, I REACT THIS WAY!?! I have come to a conclusion and it ain't pretty. Because I am jealous and/or I want to feel better about me and what I am doing as a woman, mom, and wife. Plain and simple, no way around it, that is the basis for all the negative things I have or might say about other women. And I am sad as I type this, because all the women I know are amazing. Even the ones I disagree with, because without them I would not use my brain to think about the facts behind why I disagree with them. To all you very skinny women, yes even those of you that are my best friends, I have loathed that you wear a size 2. Not you just the size you wear. But I should be saying how awesome you look and admire the time and commitment you have to stay at a size 2 after kids. And to all of you perfect moms who have never let your kids watch tv and all your kids can write their name by age 3, I have talked about you being crazy. When in reality I should ask you how you do it so maybe I can attempt to accomplish the discipline and creative ideas that you have come up with for you kids.
To all of you. I am sorry.
So I have put it out there. I might have zero women friends after this blog since I am sure I am the only one who does this sort of thing. But I have made a conscious effort the past few days to only let the things that come out of my mouth be uplifting. To put away those negative thoughts and turn them to positive ones. I do this because it is right and we are all on the same team. And in my beliefs we were all made by the same wonderful God who loves more than we can fathom.
So. . we will see if I still have friends after this. . . :)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Picked Last At Recess
So as you know and I am sure I have talked about way too much, I finished my first half marathon this past weekend. That is right 13.1 miles. And it was AWESOME!!!
We ran around the Indianapolis Speedway which began at about mile 6.5. During this part there were different HS cheer leading groups that would cheer us on, some with themes and some just cheering as loud as they could to help us through the next 2.5 miles of track. There was a girl holding a sign that said "Do it for all the girls who were picked last at recess!" Now I wish I saw that one, but my sister saw it and when she told me about it at the end we both cried. If you were ever picked last at anything or picked on, you will know exactly why we cried.
I cried a lot when I cross the finish line on Saturday. Partly due to the flood of emotions I felt upon finishing and partly because my knee felt as though it might just come apart, or maybe it would have felt better if it did.
I have never been a true athlete. I was a mediocre at best softball player from ages 5 to 17, but I have known several amazing athletes that I went to school with and wouldn't dare classify myself in their standings. So this run/walk was a feat in and of itself for me. After all, before this time I would have told you that running was just crazy and I would only run if I was on fire or being chased. I even lived with an amazing runner in college and I thought she was nuts for getting up so early just to run around Flagstaff in the cold. :) And let's face it, I am not at all built like a runner. I will never be a size two, maybe in heaven but certainly not here. And I have had three kids and that does not always make a body better. So yes. . I am not an athlete.
But I am a mother, and I have learned that sometimes we moms need to do something that is our own. Not stuff that is "kind of" for us, but will really benefit the kids or the husband or the extended family or our closest girlfriends. Something that is only ours, something that we can be selfish about. Now, I realize that many of you might disagree with this philosophy and that is okay, but I like having a thing that is only mine and I don't have to share. And that for me was this training and this running. It was mine. At times it was hours by myself to be in silence or yes to even listen to some music that might have a lyric that is not appropriate for my kids to hear. It was time for me.
I did it because people thought I couldn't. I have a lot of great "ideas" that float around in my head. And a lot of them I do not ever follow through on. But if I am nothing else I am stubborn. I know that there were several people in my life that would have never said so to my face, but truly in their heart thought I would never complete the half or all of the training necessary to do it. I am sure there were several reasons for their doubt. Several times I ran I could hear the voices in my head. "She is not in shape enough to do that kind of mileage." "She has attempted other things before and never done them, I am sure this is just one of those things she has to get out of her system." "She doesn't look like a runner." "What is she going to do with the kids when she has to do all that training?" As my sister and I joked after the race she had the same thoughts about people who thought she would never do it, and kindly we say to you all . . suck it.
As I know that last sentence was harsh, trust me nothing is worse than my own self doubt and fear. The fear that I wouldn't make it, the fear that I would be the last person of 35,000 people to finish a race. The fear that I would be laughed at or questioned at the race about my authenticity as a runner. I am always harder on myself than anyone else could be.
On the other side there were cheer leaders for me that supported me and called me and let me know that slow is okay and that I could do it and it would all be so fun and wonderful. To you, I sincerely thank you, you are my heroes and heroines! I can never repay or even begin to explain how much your kind words and support meant to me.
For many years, I have heard the bible verse that Paul wrote in 2 Timothy about fighting the good fight, finishing the race and keeping the faith. These words mean so much more to me now than they did months ago. To keep on keeping on despite tired legs, bad knees, to get it done even when there didn't seem enough time. When the training schedule went array to get back up and start again. All of this can be compared to how I want to live my life.
So now you maybe can see why I cried at the end. If I can do this anyone can do it no matter what others think of you or what you think of yourself.
So I urge you to think about your bucket list. What is on it? What is the race you want to run? And just do it, keep the faith and do it, because it is a feeling like no other crossing the finish line.
We ran around the Indianapolis Speedway which began at about mile 6.5. During this part there were different HS cheer leading groups that would cheer us on, some with themes and some just cheering as loud as they could to help us through the next 2.5 miles of track. There was a girl holding a sign that said "Do it for all the girls who were picked last at recess!" Now I wish I saw that one, but my sister saw it and when she told me about it at the end we both cried. If you were ever picked last at anything or picked on, you will know exactly why we cried.
I cried a lot when I cross the finish line on Saturday. Partly due to the flood of emotions I felt upon finishing and partly because my knee felt as though it might just come apart, or maybe it would have felt better if it did.
I have never been a true athlete. I was a mediocre at best softball player from ages 5 to 17, but I have known several amazing athletes that I went to school with and wouldn't dare classify myself in their standings. So this run/walk was a feat in and of itself for me. After all, before this time I would have told you that running was just crazy and I would only run if I was on fire or being chased. I even lived with an amazing runner in college and I thought she was nuts for getting up so early just to run around Flagstaff in the cold. :) And let's face it, I am not at all built like a runner. I will never be a size two, maybe in heaven but certainly not here. And I have had three kids and that does not always make a body better. So yes. . I am not an athlete.
But I am a mother, and I have learned that sometimes we moms need to do something that is our own. Not stuff that is "kind of" for us, but will really benefit the kids or the husband or the extended family or our closest girlfriends. Something that is only ours, something that we can be selfish about. Now, I realize that many of you might disagree with this philosophy and that is okay, but I like having a thing that is only mine and I don't have to share. And that for me was this training and this running. It was mine. At times it was hours by myself to be in silence or yes to even listen to some music that might have a lyric that is not appropriate for my kids to hear. It was time for me.
I did it because people thought I couldn't. I have a lot of great "ideas" that float around in my head. And a lot of them I do not ever follow through on. But if I am nothing else I am stubborn. I know that there were several people in my life that would have never said so to my face, but truly in their heart thought I would never complete the half or all of the training necessary to do it. I am sure there were several reasons for their doubt. Several times I ran I could hear the voices in my head. "She is not in shape enough to do that kind of mileage." "She has attempted other things before and never done them, I am sure this is just one of those things she has to get out of her system." "She doesn't look like a runner." "What is she going to do with the kids when she has to do all that training?" As my sister and I joked after the race she had the same thoughts about people who thought she would never do it, and kindly we say to you all . . suck it.
As I know that last sentence was harsh, trust me nothing is worse than my own self doubt and fear. The fear that I wouldn't make it, the fear that I would be the last person of 35,000 people to finish a race. The fear that I would be laughed at or questioned at the race about my authenticity as a runner. I am always harder on myself than anyone else could be.
On the other side there were cheer leaders for me that supported me and called me and let me know that slow is okay and that I could do it and it would all be so fun and wonderful. To you, I sincerely thank you, you are my heroes and heroines! I can never repay or even begin to explain how much your kind words and support meant to me.
For many years, I have heard the bible verse that Paul wrote in 2 Timothy about fighting the good fight, finishing the race and keeping the faith. These words mean so much more to me now than they did months ago. To keep on keeping on despite tired legs, bad knees, to get it done even when there didn't seem enough time. When the training schedule went array to get back up and start again. All of this can be compared to how I want to live my life.
So now you maybe can see why I cried at the end. If I can do this anyone can do it no matter what others think of you or what you think of yourself.
So I urge you to think about your bucket list. What is on it? What is the race you want to run? And just do it, keep the faith and do it, because it is a feeling like no other crossing the finish line.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
What is Heavy On My Heart
These families are on my heart tonight.
http://rockstarronan.com/
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/chriswaddell
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/garritytwins
http://rockstarronan.com/
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/chriswaddell
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/garritytwins
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Swearing Kids
So I know that good parents like myself never swear at all in front of their kids. If wonderful cherubs like mine were to ever open their mouths and heaven forbid any "potty" language would come out, that would only be because of something they MUST have heard elsewhere. You know the bus, recess, from the neighborhood kids, anywhere but our always put together, lovely, pure, "potty" language-free, shouting-free home. :)
Well, I am going to let you know right now, if I tell you all that, I am lying to you. If my middle son ever shouts out the words "OH S#@T!" I can honestly say it came from me, his not always appropriate mother. Yes, as much as I would like to place the blame on other kids, or even my own husband, the blame lies with me. He has heard it twice from me in one week.
Here is one of the stories:
We have a small water feature/pond in our backyard, there is a decorative fence around it, and both older kids have stayed out of because we just said no. However, have you met our third angel baby?
When cooking dinner yesterday the door to the back was open, but all three kids were outside. And yes I know a whole CPS issue arises that I was cooking and I did allow my very mature 6 year old to look after the 21 month old. Anyway, my middle son comes in and yells "MOM, C is in the pond!" Knowing all the stories I have heard about babies being able to drown in inches and small buckets of water, I immediately throw down my cooking utensil, proceed to yell "OH S#@T!", and run out the back door. Only to find he was not actually submerged in the pond water, but standing next to it. Whew! He proceed to go to time out and I proceeded to ignore the fact I just swore in front of my 4 year old, and go back to cooking.
I will not bore you with the other story as it involves being locked out of my parents house, after laying by the pool, having to jump a fence to go to the neighbors (not clothed well) to actually get back in the house where my 21 month old son was sleeping by himself. Oh my adventures!
So, I have outed myself. I am venturing to guess that I am not the only parent that cannot use the bus, recess, or neighborhood kids as an excuse to why my kids might one day use some "potty" talk.
Well, I am going to let you know right now, if I tell you all that, I am lying to you. If my middle son ever shouts out the words "OH S#@T!" I can honestly say it came from me, his not always appropriate mother. Yes, as much as I would like to place the blame on other kids, or even my own husband, the blame lies with me. He has heard it twice from me in one week.
Here is one of the stories:
We have a small water feature/pond in our backyard, there is a decorative fence around it, and both older kids have stayed out of because we just said no. However, have you met our third angel baby?
When cooking dinner yesterday the door to the back was open, but all three kids were outside. And yes I know a whole CPS issue arises that I was cooking and I did allow my very mature 6 year old to look after the 21 month old. Anyway, my middle son comes in and yells "MOM, C is in the pond!" Knowing all the stories I have heard about babies being able to drown in inches and small buckets of water, I immediately throw down my cooking utensil, proceed to yell "OH S#@T!", and run out the back door. Only to find he was not actually submerged in the pond water, but standing next to it. Whew! He proceed to go to time out and I proceeded to ignore the fact I just swore in front of my 4 year old, and go back to cooking.
I will not bore you with the other story as it involves being locked out of my parents house, after laying by the pool, having to jump a fence to go to the neighbors (not clothed well) to actually get back in the house where my 21 month old son was sleeping by himself. Oh my adventures!
So, I have outed myself. I am venturing to guess that I am not the only parent that cannot use the bus, recess, or neighborhood kids as an excuse to why my kids might one day use some "potty" talk.
Monday, April 25, 2011
One Hot Mess
And no I don't mean hot as in attractive just sweaty and actually hot. :)
So, I have been doing this half marathon training. I was out the other day just feeling like a mess. I have had this really crappy set back with my right knee. It doesn't want to cooperate when jogging past about 2.5 to 3 miles. In fact I have tried to run past that and I just look horrible, I can't bear any weight on it. I have been to the doctor and without an MRI, there is no "real" diagnosis. I thought it was getting better last week as I was on the treadmill and hardly had any pain. But alas that only lasted a few days and then again on my long run by mile 3, I look like a mess and my knee hates me. So I am then forced to do a speed walk for the rest of the assigned miles. I often think that I am that "aww" person you pass on the road. You know them, the ones who you pass in your car that frankly look as though they are exhausted, that they are on their second marathon of the day, slower than a desert tortoise and you want to cheer for them in hopes that they might do better- one hot mess-that is me.
So, anyway this knee thing is beyond disappointing. It hurts, physically, emotionally and mentally. I actually feel like a loser. But I am learning that more in this experience about "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry". So I am adjusting my thoughts. One of my adjustments has been to decide to plan my next half even though I have not finished this one (only 11 days from now). It will be the PF Changs in Phoenix/Tempe in January 2012. That way I have the whole hot summer to get my knee fixed with my doctor because who really wants to train in 110+ degrees!
Now for my deep thought. This whole training, set back, race thing is really like life. We can plan and plan and plan, but it doesn't always go our way. Sometimes we have to make adjustments no matter how much it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually pains us, it just has to happen. And sometimes we still have to do those things even though we don't want to, even though we want to fight it with all our might and try and tell ourselves that we can just keep on doing what we are doing and run through the pain. In the end, if we keep running with the pain because we want to, the knee will be worse and maybe never have a chance to heal or run again.
So, in 11 days I will take this hot mess to Indiana and at least I know I will finish! :)
So, I have been doing this half marathon training. I was out the other day just feeling like a mess. I have had this really crappy set back with my right knee. It doesn't want to cooperate when jogging past about 2.5 to 3 miles. In fact I have tried to run past that and I just look horrible, I can't bear any weight on it. I have been to the doctor and without an MRI, there is no "real" diagnosis. I thought it was getting better last week as I was on the treadmill and hardly had any pain. But alas that only lasted a few days and then again on my long run by mile 3, I look like a mess and my knee hates me. So I am then forced to do a speed walk for the rest of the assigned miles. I often think that I am that "aww" person you pass on the road. You know them, the ones who you pass in your car that frankly look as though they are exhausted, that they are on their second marathon of the day, slower than a desert tortoise and you want to cheer for them in hopes that they might do better- one hot mess-that is me.
So, anyway this knee thing is beyond disappointing. It hurts, physically, emotionally and mentally. I actually feel like a loser. But I am learning that more in this experience about "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry". So I am adjusting my thoughts. One of my adjustments has been to decide to plan my next half even though I have not finished this one (only 11 days from now). It will be the PF Changs in Phoenix/Tempe in January 2012. That way I have the whole hot summer to get my knee fixed with my doctor because who really wants to train in 110+ degrees!
Now for my deep thought. This whole training, set back, race thing is really like life. We can plan and plan and plan, but it doesn't always go our way. Sometimes we have to make adjustments no matter how much it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually pains us, it just has to happen. And sometimes we still have to do those things even though we don't want to, even though we want to fight it with all our might and try and tell ourselves that we can just keep on doing what we are doing and run through the pain. In the end, if we keep running with the pain because we want to, the knee will be worse and maybe never have a chance to heal or run again.
So, in 11 days I will take this hot mess to Indiana and at least I know I will finish! :)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Move Over for Food
This is what I overheard L saying to her brother this morning:
"You know if you love Jesus, He lives inside of you. When you eat and the food goes down your body, Jesus just moves over. "
:) Love this!
"You know if you love Jesus, He lives inside of you. When you eat and the food goes down your body, Jesus just moves over. "
:) Love this!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Birthday Renewal
So, I am going to be pretty candid that the past 6 months have been rough ones for me. In the past I have laughed and yes, even mocked others who were so concerned about getting older. I laughed at the "real housewives" who seemed obsessed about botox and lifts and other things. I never understood why age was so painful to some. Until about 6 months ago. If you are one of the 4 people that read my blog, then you will know I had a post baby crisis. I do believe that is when I also realized I was getting old, well older.
I have no longer laughed at the thought of plastic surgery and yes I have a top 5 things I would like to have cosmetically changed. Gravity and three kids has taken a toll. Just being honest. But I think the hardest part was mentally and emotionally realizing that even though I felt somewhere between 21-25, I was really 10+ years older than that. YIKES! That means to the college kids I know, I am old. And it just hit me a couple months before my 34th birthday.
I started to wonder what happened. Where were the 10+ years between how I mentally feel and where I actually am?. What happened to my body, my life, me. Was I losing myself in everything. Should I have stayed working and become more involved in policy and evaluation, should we have taken more vacations before kids, should I have done something super "important" that gained national recognition, have I made the right choices for my family, etc. Those questions you ask yourself late at night when no one is listening but God.
Basically you can say that God and I have been wrestling, talking, yelling, ignoring. Let's face it, I have really done all those things, He has just been there to take it all. I have been upset, I mean really upset and tired. I first complained about things I disliked in my own life, then I yelled about the hurts of people. I yelled about the fact I have friends who are facing things in their lives that I would not wish on my worst enemy and they were "good" people. That they never deserved these situations and grief. I have been upset that I have felt stuck, not really "doing" something that I think has a real impact, I have faced shame, and I have been on empty. I felt like in the past 6 months I was just crabby, tired, spent and no one was meeting my needs, not even my God.
So recently I just said I will wait. I told God I would do what I had to do as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. But I was just going to have to wait on him for some kind of renewal or confirmation or (as silly as this sounds) a sign, that I was going to make it, that it was good and He still had control no matter what happened and that I would once again not feel so empty.
He ended my waiting game on my 34th birthday in a shocking and surprising way. I say that because Jeff and the kids were out of town in Phx for my birthday and I was scheduled to work all day at church. I would be doing the nursery job for the morning and then setting up and helping to host the baby dedication for 18 families with their 200+ guests that afternoon/evening. So when I got up in the morning, I was not feeling that this would be a day of renewal. In fact, I believed I was actually sacrificing and unselfishly giving up sleep, maybe a pedicure and a nice dinner, in order to work for others (yes I am prideful. . still working on that).
But I was wrong. For the first time in months I was filled to the brim with joy. I laughed and cried. God had come through for me in a big way and it was through every stranger, friend, and family that I came in contact with yesterday, even my own. And the fun part is that most of them had no clue that they were filling me. I don't even know how to explain it other than sometimes when we think we are serving others we benefit much more than those we are serving.
The dedication was awesome! I was so excited for our families and that they allowed us to share and be a part of something very special in their lives. As I was standing in the back of the celebration at the end watching the families and their guests pray for their little ones and the parents, it was as though God whispered, "Now this, Krista, is what it is all about. This is what makes a difference. This is just a glimpse of what I have in store for you". I know that some of you who read this might not believe in God or feel this is silly. And that is okay. My God is big, He can handle it. But I believe that there is no coincidence to the timing. All the feelings of inadequacy, being tired, wondering the what ifs in life, being upset, empty,w as all replaced in and by something I thought I was doing for someone else, but in reality I received a renewal, and with perfect timing on my 34th birthday!
Oh and then I even got to go home and celebrate with my sweet husband and three kiddos with my favorite pizza and yes, even a gift!
I have no longer laughed at the thought of plastic surgery and yes I have a top 5 things I would like to have cosmetically changed. Gravity and three kids has taken a toll. Just being honest. But I think the hardest part was mentally and emotionally realizing that even though I felt somewhere between 21-25, I was really 10+ years older than that. YIKES! That means to the college kids I know, I am old. And it just hit me a couple months before my 34th birthday.
I started to wonder what happened. Where were the 10+ years between how I mentally feel and where I actually am?. What happened to my body, my life, me. Was I losing myself in everything. Should I have stayed working and become more involved in policy and evaluation, should we have taken more vacations before kids, should I have done something super "important" that gained national recognition, have I made the right choices for my family, etc. Those questions you ask yourself late at night when no one is listening but God.
Basically you can say that God and I have been wrestling, talking, yelling, ignoring. Let's face it, I have really done all those things, He has just been there to take it all. I have been upset, I mean really upset and tired. I first complained about things I disliked in my own life, then I yelled about the hurts of people. I yelled about the fact I have friends who are facing things in their lives that I would not wish on my worst enemy and they were "good" people. That they never deserved these situations and grief. I have been upset that I have felt stuck, not really "doing" something that I think has a real impact, I have faced shame, and I have been on empty. I felt like in the past 6 months I was just crabby, tired, spent and no one was meeting my needs, not even my God.
So recently I just said I will wait. I told God I would do what I had to do as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. But I was just going to have to wait on him for some kind of renewal or confirmation or (as silly as this sounds) a sign, that I was going to make it, that it was good and He still had control no matter what happened and that I would once again not feel so empty.
He ended my waiting game on my 34th birthday in a shocking and surprising way. I say that because Jeff and the kids were out of town in Phx for my birthday and I was scheduled to work all day at church. I would be doing the nursery job for the morning and then setting up and helping to host the baby dedication for 18 families with their 200+ guests that afternoon/evening. So when I got up in the morning, I was not feeling that this would be a day of renewal. In fact, I believed I was actually sacrificing and unselfishly giving up sleep, maybe a pedicure and a nice dinner, in order to work for others (yes I am prideful. . still working on that).
But I was wrong. For the first time in months I was filled to the brim with joy. I laughed and cried. God had come through for me in a big way and it was through every stranger, friend, and family that I came in contact with yesterday, even my own. And the fun part is that most of them had no clue that they were filling me. I don't even know how to explain it other than sometimes when we think we are serving others we benefit much more than those we are serving.
The dedication was awesome! I was so excited for our families and that they allowed us to share and be a part of something very special in their lives. As I was standing in the back of the celebration at the end watching the families and their guests pray for their little ones and the parents, it was as though God whispered, "Now this, Krista, is what it is all about. This is what makes a difference. This is just a glimpse of what I have in store for you". I know that some of you who read this might not believe in God or feel this is silly. And that is okay. My God is big, He can handle it. But I believe that there is no coincidence to the timing. All the feelings of inadequacy, being tired, wondering the what ifs in life, being upset, empty,w as all replaced in and by something I thought I was doing for someone else, but in reality I received a renewal, and with perfect timing on my 34th birthday!
Oh and then I even got to go home and celebrate with my sweet husband and three kiddos with my favorite pizza and yes, even a gift!
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